There has been a ghost that has been following me. I'm sure of it. But this ghost is quite peculiar. I feel his or her presence all the time. The funny thing about this ghost is that it is randomly farting around me. I know it sounds like I am farting and then blaming it on the ghost but that's not the situation that has inspired me to write this.

I drive a lot, back and forth between LA, Little Saigon and Laguna Hills. On these road trips, I am alone most of the time. There have been several instances that while I am driving, an obvious fart-like smell fills my truck. Now, I know beyond any doubt that it's not me. If I'm alone, why would I blame it on the ghost? There would be no point. I would proudly claim them and just crack open the windows.

I have also taken the precaution to note the time and place that this happens to make certain that it is not an odor coming from the outside. The location where I am passing on the freeway is almost always different and it is never at the same time. I have also checked Google Maps and have verified that none of the locations where it happens are around sewage plants or manure facilities.

It's not too bad of a smell so I will endure it. I might name my ghost one day and start talking to him or her. But that brings up another issue. I don't know how to determine if the ghost is a male or female. And yet, if it is a female, that produces another irksome issue: is the odor coming from a fart or a queef?

It perturbs me when others around me use the expressions, "and what not" and, "it is what it is." Both expressions are fairly new expressions that feel like an utter waste of time for me to hear. Whenever either expression is verbalized around me, I automatically think that the person saying it is not formally educated enough or is just trying to buy time to gather their thoughts enough to further engage in a meaningful conversation with me. Either way, I am bothered and insulted. Do you not think I know that you have nothing better to say? I'm on to you, dumb-dumb!

"And what not" is generally used at the end of a train of thought when the speaker wants to express something further but can't because they have a limited vocabulary and/or limited brain-processing power. I wrote a few sketches poking fun at the typical type of people who would use the expression a few years back. But, before any of them could air, SNL had Tracy Morgan play Tiger Woods' Father where he would use that expression at the end of every sentence during an interview. It was classic, to me, because it summed up what I was feeling about the expression. People use it when they want to sound more intelligent than they really are. Especially in the South. And in urban areas.

Accepted, substitutable expressions:
"And so on and so forth" - It sounds more intelligent.
"Yada yada yada" - Seinfeld made it acceptable.

"It is what it is" is a little bit better because its intent is to convey that, "that's the way things are." It means something but it still sounds like nothing. Maybe it's because 40% of the words in the expression is repeated AND both of the words repeated are 2-letter words. It also signifies to me that the speaker doesn't want to engage in any further processing of the situation. It's such a negative yet empty expression. I guess it could be worse. I guess I'm thankful, "it ain't what it ain't" hasn't caught on yet.

Accepted, substitutable expressions:
"Oh well" - It is simple and straight to the point.
"C'est la vie" - It's foreign, which by default, makes it acceptable.

What does this all mean? To make another Seinfeld reference, I am a Word Nazi.

Whenever kids go to sleep at night, normal things by day will often times look scary to them in the dark. A sweater draped over a chair will look like a Quasimodo-like creature. A dresser with missing knobs will look like a disfigured face with menacing eyes that never blink.

For me, this experience was never scary. To the contrary, I used it as a pleasant sleeping aid. I found myself creating stories about the deformed creatures and disfigured faces. The stories would always be similar in nature. These "beings" always once had a great life in some distant, far away land. But due to a hubristic mistake that they made, they were banished to my bedroom as an inanimate object and only came to life in the dark.

Most of them would have enough courage to talk directly to me. They were always insistent that their time in my bedroom was temporary. They would proclaim that they have learned their lesson and would only lead an honest life of the noblest intentions once free. I had poor Maurie for 6 years. He was my knob-deficient dresser.

I never knew when I officially went into dream mode but it was always easy for me to fall asleep whenever I did that. Later on, I would purposely prop things up around my room to create new creatures and faces in the dark for my dreams. My brothers luckily never caught on to what I was trying to do. They probably just thought I was really bad at being obsessive-compulsive.

I caught myself doing this last week when I spent a night at my Pop's. It made me wonder if I should seek counseling to stop this habit. But then I realized that I couldn't because no one would then counsel these "beings." Instead, I have decided to pass this "talent" onto my kids. They will become great counselors to inanimate objects in the dark one day.

Whenever it's the year that you are (un)fortunate enough to have your birthday land on a Friday, you are especially reminded by all the commercials for movies released on that day. It's kinda cool but also kinda annoying.

If the movies released on your birthday are any reflection upon you or the year you are about to have, I'm screwed. The 5 films being released this Friday, January 9th, are an eclectic mixture of films, to say the least.

Not Easily Broken - a husband's love is tested when his wife gets into an accident -- Thank God I'm not in a relationship this year. Even still, I would easily pass this test by getting into an equally disfiguring accident.

Che - A doctor becomes a rebel and then becomes a Cuban revolutionary hero -- That sounds like me. Too bad I have no one to lead and nowhere to revolt.

Yonkers Joe - a scam artist changes his life to take care of his son who has Downs' Syndrome -- This is what I have to look forward to if I continue pretending to be what I am not (I still don't know what that is).

The Unborn - a woman is haunted by a dybbuk, a soul of the dead barred from heaven -- Great. So I have to battle another demon this year.

Bride Wars - best friends battle when their weddings are scheduled the same day -- I cannot believe this opens on my birthday. The redeeming quality about this film is that it stars Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson, both women who are my type.