In the middle of the day, I sometimes like to just close my eyes. I'm not resting, like what most people would do. I like turn my eyeballs around and take a moment to look back into my brain. If I haven't done it for awhile, there's often a lot of cobwebs all around. I clear the cobwebs away by twitching my eyeballs back and forth quickly. Only then can I see some of the things that I haven't thought about it in a while.

I see a lot of old SAT words I haven't used. I see random trivial pursuit questions and their answers. I see bits and pieces from the old Saturday cartoons I used to watch as a kid. I see a lot of math equations that make absolutely no sense to me now.

The best part is when I get to the back where I see the old memories that failed at their attempts to haunt me. I usually take a moment to laugh at them. I'm sure it makes them feel even more like failures.

I would like to create a universal comment card that I can use for anywhere and for anything. Establishments that generally provide one for their patrons to give feedback usually don't need to because they genuinely care. I need a universal comment card for those establishments that don't provide one at all and need a clue that their service or product desperately requires critique from opinionated jerks like me and my friends.

I would like to take my universal comment card one step further and apply them to current girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, and dates. "Would you recommend these services to others?" Hell no.

I usually get out of the gym pretty late at night, between 1am and 3am. I don't know why but I've taken a notice of businesses that leave their neon "Open" signs on even though it is quite apparent that they are already closed. So because of this, I thought of a really cool game.

Get a group of people and drive around late at night. Whenever someone sees these Open signs on at places that are closed, you yell out, "Open!" And everyone in the car has to take a drink. However, if the place is actually open, then the person who mistakenly yelled it out, has to take a drink. Also, if the sign is not an actual Open sign but some other sign in neon, then again, the person who yelled it out has to take a drink.

As it is, the game is illegal because when I say drink, of course, I mean alcohol. But, I've changed it so that whenever you're supposed to take a drink, you drink a cup of water. The first one to request that the car pull over so that they can relieve themselves, loses. Of course, if you pee in the car, you are the biggest loser.

I would like to create a hip, new acronym. It's called, "OIF." It stands for, "Oops, I farted." You can either say each letter out loud or say it as a word. Either way, it sounds cool. "O.I.F." or "oif." They both work.

It's very handy, too. If you just let a silent one go, you just say, "OIF!" It's a polite way to let people know around you that they should vacate the premises as quickly as possible. It's short and to the point. "Hey man, I just let one go. You might want to clear the area," is way too long. By the time you say that, anyone within hearing distance is probably already immersed in your stink bomb.

O.I.F. also allows us to take onus over our farts, too. Too many people just let one go and try to blame it on someone else or act as if nothing happened. That's a sad statement on society. People! Just claim what's yours already. I, for one, am proud of my farts. If I can lay claim to it, I will. I will oif every fart I can: silent, loud, wet or dry. Doesn't matter. If it's mine, I am going to say, "OIF!"

I can only dream of the day when I walk down the street and hear someone say, "Dammit, at least give me a courtesy oif next time!" That is the day when I know I can finally die peacefully.